My Offer

I’ve been thinking about this alot recently. It occured to me that if I am to find a perfect woman for me, then I should at least have an idea as to what I really am after.

Obviously, we make compromises, and obviously there are things that come out from left field that make us think again, and obviously there is still plenty about ourselves that we have yet to discover… but in principle it makes sense to have an ideal, before you start. Something to aim for so to speak, so here it goes… my perfect woman.

Lets start with the most important thing, A smile. I dont care who you are, but a good smile gives even the ugliest gurner a few extra points in the attractive stakes.


My girl has to have a smile, and she has to use it often. I have no idea why young women feel its vital to look like they’re sucking on lemons, but it tends to be the rule that the slimmer the girl, the more depressed they look, like years of eating rabbit food and jogging has made them all grumpy!

Naturally eyes and a smile go with each other like abbot and costello (whos on first… so funny), so they have to have eyes, preferably 2, in their head and not on a stick, or in their pockets or anything. The eyes must be strong and show expression and emotion easily.

Next they have to laugh alot. A sense of humour is vital. I want the kind of girl that cant stop laughing when i get on a roll, but that can take me in a new direction and fold me up like a piece of paper when im not expecting it. I want the kind of girl that is prepared to be silly, especially about herself.

She needs to be fun, not necessarily singing at the top of her voice at a karaoke bar, but certainly game for trying a round of pictionary or two on a whiteboard.

She needs to understand art… I have been thinking about this alot, and whilst I dont mean she can wax lyrical as to why a disected cow is a profound description of the modern values of our pleural society, she does understand why drum and bass is as important to art as a light turning on and off, or even the latest Batman movie.

As a rule, actually she needs to be up for change, and up for new ideas. I sometimes laugh at the idea of underwear riding higher than trousers like you see in the young guys today, but I have been known to make such fashion statements as jesters trousers at the local restaurant from time to time, and fancy dress parties are a must!

Change is important to me, I have no intention of being here in 5 years let alone 10 so my girl needs to be up and ready for something totally new. Before you start thinking I’m off to India for a 6 month sabatical, I’m not. In fact you’re more likely to see me becoming a recluse in alaska. I like a steady move but a move, so she needs to be ready for change. She needs to adapt, and be prepared for just about anything. I have in the past just decided to drive to Scotland on a whim, so my girl needs to be ready to jump, but the fact is my brother lives in scotland so the jump was at least considered, and only lasted a week… Not so much a jump as a hop.

She also needs to be able to keep a secret. I am emotionally private and would never disrespect anyones confidence. I expect that in my perfect girl, cos contrary to what you might think… I have loads of secrets.

As for what she looks like, well I’m short so she should be, and I have never had a thing for rakes. Personally I never understood the argument about skinny women. NEVER when I was at school did I look at the skeleton in science class and think WHOA!!!

No, my girl will have curves! without doubt.

She needs to be adventurous and be forthright, she needs to stand up and say this is what I believe in, even if I totally disagree, but she also needs to listen, be tolerant, and at least try to understand me, as I will her. And she will have ambitions, realistic ambitions and achievable ones. She will be grateful for any help I can give her, and she will try to help me achieve mine.

She will love me totally for who I am and who I want to be, and she will always back me up, no matter how crazy I am getting.

For that I will give her body and soul forever. Without equivication or compromise. I will be there for her with her always. And give her everything I have the capacity to. I will support her and cherish her and be honest to her and never let her go out with her dress tucked in her pants, or with a label showing.

I will spend my entire life trying to make her happy and make her laugh everyday. I will wake up every morning next to her and tell her how much I love her and tell her everyday how much I fancy her even when she’s 80 and all wrinkly and saggy.

Im not sure if thats a fair deal, maybe someone out there could suggest more things they demand. But for the moment thats the deal.

Life is for living and I want someone who knows how to live, without trying to kill themselves.

~ by eggplantinspace on June 27, 2008.

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