A Change of Life Goals, Guitar Hero


So I went down to Weymouth to see my friend Animal today, and I was introduced to Guitar Hero.

For the life of me I have no idea what I have been doing with myself.

Obviously I have heard of the Guitar Hero phenomenon, girls claiming they scored a successful 85 concurrent notes, but I imagined it was a bit like the dance matts and the karaoke singing games. Now I have a soft spot for a little Karaoke singing when suitably imbibed with a laceration of alcohol. At times like that I have a tendancy to sing anyway, so grabbing a microphone in a pop idol styleee is perfectly acceptable, but singing at home to a plastic toy in front of 9 year olds is just not for me, and neither is trying to knock bubbles off the screen by pointing in the air like John Travolta, with an eye toy.

I didnt know!

To be honest, It isnt the first time I have watched a massive trend pass me by. I like to think of myself as so far behind fashion, that I’m retro. I still wear turn-ups, mind you I am short, lol.

This one however I had to try kicking and screaming, but despite an initial reservation of being downright awful at the plastic guitar thing complete with devil stickers and fluorescent straps, I found myself drawn to it like a teenager to a dark cellar in a horror movie.

As the beat hit me, I realised I am in fact Stevie Ray Vaughn’s more attractive cuddly long lost brother. My incredibly durable career of taxi driving and the occasional space flight (just dont ask… very traumatic) may have to be forsaken for my budding music god status.

I strutted like Joe Strummer, I pogoed like Johnny Rotten, I went down on my knees and windmilled a la Pete Thownsend and yes I even played the thing with my teeth like Hendrix!

My flattie, nice person that he is, took the footage of me turning into a raving lunatic to the beat of ‘schools out’ and apparently will be selling it on e-bay next week.

After they pried ‘my precious’ from my vice like grip and sat me down with a wet towel and a bottle of Valium, I came to realise that this could well be my calling. I’m sorry guys but I have seen God, and her name is ACTIVISION!

If, like me, you have not been on the planet for the last 20 years, and have no idea whats so special about an iphone, or how to read a binary clock, or what you could possibly want a space invader door mat, or WHY ANY SANE PERSON WOULD NEED A GLOWFLOW TAP LIGHT WITH TEMPERATURE SENSOR, then please, take a chance with this ridiculous sounding game. Take a step into the unknown, lower your head and don the strap, hold the plastic phallus in both hands, and get ready when the drums start banging to Lick it like a Les Paul, Goose it like a Gibson, Abuse it like a Universe and F*** it like a Fender.

No rolling, Just Rock!

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~ by eggplantinspace on June 4, 2008.

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