Giving you a heads up

I’ve struggled writing this one. I just cant get the subject right, so this is my third, fourth, fifth attempt. Wish me luck.

I know that if you have been following my story of woe, you’re probably sick to death of hearing about it. For that i’m sorry, I am trying to expand my blogging material out, but it’s difficult. Amyhow, that probably explains why this one shoots off in all directions.

It struck me that falling out of love (or getting kicked out of love) is a kind of mourning. I’ve been trying to remember what the five stages of mourning are again. I wonder which one I am on. And perhaps most importantly, whether I should feel bad about seeming to go through them quite quickly. After all, we broke up a fortnight ago, and I’m getting on okay. Admittedly the events of the last 3-4 days have helped me.

I’m no longer crying my eyes out at the dinner table, or breaking down at work, but I still shed a few tears whilst watching Armaggeddon this afternoon (I mean come on! Its not like ‘What Dreams May Come’ or ‘Notting Hill’!).

I have pretty much dug out all her stuff, although I’m not looking forward to the exchange. She sent me a message yesterday explaining why she finished a second time (sort of), and even though the blood is thicker than water excuse is worse than poor, I didnt feel much about it. It’s over, does it really matter why?

(onto rewrite 6)

For all women reading this that dont know there are simple and easy clues to tell if any man loves you. I haven’t made this up, but I havent named them all either, so here goes

The easiest one is if he is proud of you. He should be showing you off, not just to his friends and family, but in a club, bar or bowling alley. He should be itching for you to be seen with him, If he isn’t then give it up, he doesn’t think you’re good enough. You’d be amazed the amount of women coming out of the clubs and getting in my car that dont know this!

If he isn’t nervous, he isn’t interested. He will want you to like him, so he should be scared a little. If he’s too cocky, then back away. He wants something else rather than a relationship. Which may be fine, but you’re better off knowing beforehand.

If he’s not interested in you now, he NEVER will be. I’m not saying you have to do what he does, but if a guy is in love he wants to know everything about you, from why you like the colour green, to when was the last time you voted.

If he doesnt challenge you, he doesn’t love you. If he doesnt disagree with you about some things, he just isn’t listening. He’s probably thinking about something else. At best its how to get in your pants, at worst it’s how to get in your best friends.

If he runs hot and cold, there is a problem. Girls seem to like nothing more than a guy who runs hot and cold, but almost always, they are rebounding in some way (rebounding – bouncy bouncy, may be an english term, not sure, so a brief explanation is he’s trying to find a replacement for someone else he did/does love)

This last one is important. Men dont mean to rebound. We really do want to be in love with you. We really do mean it when we say we love you, but it’s not the ‘I want to be with you for the rest of my life’ love, its the ‘you are a really good friend and I dont want to let you down’ sort of love. And in the end, we feel guilty, and you feel heart-broken.

The problem with rebounds is that we tick all the boxes with the other obvious signs, we lavish you with attention, and love you passionately, we listen to you intently, and show you off to our mums in a week. But be afraid, be very afraid.

Rebounding is something men do alot. I kind of hope someone tells me women do it too, but I’m guessing not so often. Its part of our healing process. I know that may sound sexist, and it is, but there are reasons.

Firstly, its tradition for a man to as a woman out, we are the aggressors, if you like, so instead of sitting at home and hiding in the dark which we consider weak and unhealthy, we get invited out to bars, this is our way of getting over it.

Secondly, when a relationship ends, the person dumped feels a huge sense of unattractiveness, maybe you werent enough for her, that sort of thing. Men get over this by chatting women up in bars, clubs wherever. After all no-one will come up to us in the office and ask us out.

Thirdly, because we feel like we did something wrong last time, we spend a huge amount of time, making sure we do it right this time. This is the guilt factor again. The attention we lavish on you can be overpowering, and if you dont spot it, you can fall in love heavily. And because we are already feeling guilty, we have a hard time telling you we dont want to be with you really.

Finally, sex is not so emotional for men (as a rule) than for women. We dont see it in the same way, its more instinctive. So the first thing we do when we’ve split up with someone important is to find a new sexual partner quickly. We dont mean to be cruel or malicious, we just want sex.

I’m still not happy with this blog. I guess I will figure out whats wrong with it in time, but as a guy who is dreading the idea of the next rebound, and desperately promising himself he wont do it, or if he does then it doesnt hurt her too much, I felt it important to tell you what to look out for, Less someone like me turn up at your door at 4 in the morning singing you love songs.

~ by eggplantinspace on May 16, 2008.

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