Providence


My friend Chris and I looked at a flat today.

Now, i have to tell you, for the last two to three months, my ex and I have been hunting around for a house to move into. Nothing was right, it was either too small, cost too much, was too far away from school, everything was wrong. On the day she finished with me we were due to look at yet another place, that was bound to be expensive and was 5 minutes away from her parents house. I hated the idea, but I had said to myself, this is what she wants, so just do it. And then bam!

Today just 10 days later, I find a place she would have loved thats cheap and close enough, roomy and clean. Perfect, but instead of moving in with her, I’m moving in with Chris, well provided we get the paperwork done in time.

As I mentioned in some of my blogs, I always thought god was paying me back for some of the mistakes I have made. I always thought god didn’t like me much. No reason why she should. It has not gone wihout notice that unusually I saw this place on a Sunday, and it has also not without notice that recently everyone I have met on here has been in some way religious.

Maybe, I have finally been forgiven? Some of my friends will probably think I’m being delusional, possibly i am, but what harm is there. If it gives me hope and gives me direction, I suggest it cant do much harm saying thank you.

Obviously it might all fall through, or Chris might turn out to be awful to live with, but at this moment, on this day I feel hopeful.

And that has got to be positive. Last week, I didnt know if I wanted to be alive, and this week even though I am still in great pain, I know that things will go on, and I’ll be ok.

I cant say this enough though. Thank you guys so much for talking to me. You’ve been so supportive and honest. When you break up big, you start to question your decisions. You dont know if you are doing the right thing. What you want is a coach to tell you what to do, where to go and so on, and so far you guys have been terrific. When i’m indecisive, i ask you and you say yes or no. I need that right now, so a big thank you.

Today has been a good day. Of course, a day hasn’t gone by without me breaking down a some point, but today I felt hopeful for the first time. And tomorrow i have stuff to do now. So maybe tomorrow will be ok as well.

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~ by eggplantinspace on May 11, 2008.

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